I've recently realized that it was 2004 when I last posted on my suggestions for workplace improvements. With all my experience, I can't let American business go to hell that easily. Here's the latest ten things I'd like to see in every workplace.
1. A Hallmark Cards cubicle. Significant events such as wedding anniversaries and birthdays would cause the appropriate card to be automatically delivered to the desk of the male whose responsibility it is to deliver said card to his intended recipient. Since females never forget these things the services will only be needed for males.
2. One day per year in which meetings may be attended while armed--except for the VPs who must come unarmed as they usually are. For personal safety only guns will be allowed. However, AK-47s and other WMD are banned. Concealed weapons are encouraged as the surprise element leads to shorter meetings.
3. A ladies-only workout room. The room should be fitted with one-way mirrors that allow men to observe from the outside without being accused of leering or "objectifying" women. A dress code for the women is required to prevent such things from even remotely entering the men's minds. The dress code will be determined by Christina Aquilera and selected porn stars.
4. Disposable urinals in the male employees' offices. These would be designed to automatically replace themselves after each use. Since these devices have yet to be invented, HR Benefit Managers will be appointed to fill in until they are.
5. Hooters Days. Designated female employees will bring to work chicken wings they have personally prepared at home. Other younger, prettier and more curvaceous females dressed in Hooters short shorts and tank tops will serve the wings to male employees who have signed an affidavit agreeing to limit their comments to the tastiness of the wings. The men will tip the females extravagantly and without regard to their proficiency as servers just as they normally do at a Hooters restaurant.
6. Banned buzzword days. Any manager caught using buzzwords such as "pacific rim, value-added, 24/7, empowered, opt-out, leveraged, synergy, off shored, upside, transitioned, strategic, killer app, etc" will be required to spend one week per offense in relief of HR Benefit Managers (see item 4 above).
7. Punching bags located in break areas with interchangeable covers picturing Dr. Phil, Geraldo Rivera, Oprah, a Microsoft logo, Michael Moore, Rosie O'Donnell, Tom Cruise, Michael Jackson, Star Jones, Gloria Allred, well, you get the picture...
8. Free annual "Duck hunt with Dick Cheney" trips. Reserved as a perk for VPs only as selected by the rank and file.
9. Time out rooms to be used for anyone who lets their Blackberry
buzz, their cellphone ring, or their pager chime while in the office.
Offenders will be locked in the room and the room shall be empty of
furniture except for one television that shows a continuous replay of
Dr. Phil and Geraldo Rivera shows interspersed with William Hung
singing "She Bangs". For humane reasons, a rope will be provided to
the offender upon request.
10. One dog day per month. Employees may bring their dog to work. No cats. The dogs will be allowed to attend meetings with their owner, participate in presentations, whine, bark, howl, chase other dogs, relieve themselves, have sex with others, dig holes for themselves, etc. In other words they'll be allowed to act just like the employees that own them.
Wow. #9 is pretty harsh.
Posted by: Craig | 08/31/2006 at 11:34 AM